Marriage in Crisis

You probably never thought it would happen to you, but suddenly you find your marriage in crisis. You and your spouse are fighting a lot, or one of you has been unfaithful, or perhaps you have just simply grown distant over the years. Regardless of the reason, you may be trying to decide what your options are. You may be anxious, scared, angry, hurt or just feeling very alone. So let’s look at some options if when your marriage in crisis feels a bit overwhelming.

Take some time apart

For some people, when they are experiencing marriage problems, taking some time apart can give them an opportunity to gain much needed perspective. When you are right in the thick of an emotionally charged situation, you may be too close to things to come up with effective solutions. A brief separation can be beneficial in order to get your bearings and think through the best way to handle your marriage in crisis.

Also, during this time apart you can determine if you really want to stay in your marriage or not. This is a very difficult decision for many people and should not be made without a lot of thought. Taking time apart can give you the space your need to think it through without the day to day pressures at home which often accompany a marriage in crisis.

Get into therapy

Going to a therapist can be very helpful when a marriage in crisis is turning your life upside down. Therapy will not only provide you with a safe place to talk openly and freely, it will provide you an opportunity to problem solve with someone who is neutral and objective with regards to your situation. Family and friends may be willing to listen and give advice, but usually they will be biased in one way or the other, and won’t be objective like a therapist.

Put your cards on the table with your spouse

Often when a marriage has reached a crisis point, one or both partners is unable or unwilling to take the risk of saying what they really want and feel. Instead you are often both guarded or defensive as you try to navigate your way through what feels like an emotional minefield. But if one of you takes the risk of truly putting your cards on the table, it may be the catalyst for much needed open conversations. That being said, it may backfire also, and that is what makes it particularly uncomfortable for most people. Only you can decide if the risk is worth it, and how you think your partner may respond if you try.





File for divorce

Another option when experiencing a marriage in crisis is to throw in the towel and file for divorce. If the crisis has been going on for a long time and shows little hope for resolution, this may be the best option. Only you can decide if this is the best route for you. But it definitely should not be done hastily, as the emotional and financial cost of divorce is often very high.

Determine what changes you can make to improve your marriage

With a marriage in crisis the only person you can change is you. You can’t change your spouse even though you may feel that is the best solution! But the person you can change is you. Marriage problems are rarely, if ever, due to one person. It takes two to tango and two to create problems. If you start making some positive changes your spouse will inevitably have to make some changes also. Your spouse may not change as you would like, but if you make positive changes you can hold your head high knowing that you did, and leave the marriage with more dignity if it still doesn’t work out in the end.

Only you can decide the best choice for you when a marriage in crisis is taking a toll on your emotional wellbeing. Consider these options and trust your heart. And know that many couples do find a way to get back on track. Hopefully you will too!

Save Marriage Stop Divorce

Many couples are looking for ways to save marriage, stop divorce after infidelity has nearly destroyed their marriage.   An affair is devastating in many ways.  One of the areas it damages the most is that of trust.  If your marriage has been impacted by an affair, and trust has been shattered, divorce may seem like the likely outcome initially.  But it doesn’t have to go that route if you are willing to do the hard work of getting your marriage back on track. 

Many couples do find a way to rebuild trust and get past the incredible hurt and betrayal.  In fact, in some cases, the affair serves as a wake up call, and if the appropriate changes are made, the marriage becomes stronger than it ever was before.  But in order to save marriage, stop divorce you must first find a way to start rebuilding the trust which was lost.  Trust is an absolutely essential component of a healthy marriage.  Following are some guidelines to help you get it back.

If you are the person who cheated, you must first be willing to take ownership of your actions.  This means you can’t blame anyone else, nor can you excuse it by saying something like, “I’m only human”.  In order for your partner to trust you again and save marriage, stop divorce, you have to step up to the plate and accept that it was your choice.  Do this regardless of what factors may have influenced you. 

Second, you must be willing to answer any questions your spouse may have (and trust me, your spouse is going to demand some answers from you!).  Don’t try to hide anything at this point or you will destroy any hope of trust ever coming back into the relationship.  This is going to be difficult and painful, and it is going to take courage.  But honesty is paramount if you want to save marriage, stop divorce.  You’ve already severely blown it; don’t make things even worse by lying now. 

Third, if there were things bothering you in the marriage which you feel made you start seeking the comfort or closeness of another person, you need to address those.  Doing this does not mean you are trying to excuse your behavior.  But it is important that you be honest and up front about any frustration and dissatisfaction you were experiencing.  You can only change it if you first acknowledge it.  Couples who do successfully get past infidelity and save marriage, stop divorce, make the commitment to work on the problems that made their marriage vulnerable in the first place.

Fourth, be very careful about your actions, particularly around anyone who could be perceived by your spouse as a threat to your relationship.  In other words, don’t be spending a lot of time alone with another man (or woman) who is particularly attractive or aggressive or flirtatious.  Set good boundaries and make sure you don’t do anything which could be misconstrued by your spouse as questionable behavior on your part.  Now more than ever you need to honor the sacred bounds of your marriage if you want to save marriage, stop divorce. 

Last of all, keep every promise you make.  Whether it is a promise to call at a certain time, or to pick up something from the grocery store, or especially to be home at a certain time, you must follow through.  And if something comes up and you are going to be late or can’t call, be sure to let your spouse know as soon as possible. 

Your marriage can recover from infidelity.  You can save marriage, stop divorce if you show that you are 100% committed in your effort to regain and rebuild the trust that has been damaged.  It may be a long uphill road, but if you truly want to save your marriage, then it is well worth the effort. 

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Family and Marriage Therapy Programs

If you are looking for a low cost alternative to expensive marriage therapy from a private professional, you may want to look to see if any colleges or universities in your area offer family and marriage therapy programs. 

Therapy can be very expensive when you are paying anywhere from $80 to $150 per hour for a licensed clinician.  Many couples don’t have an extra several hundred dollars a month in their budget to cover that type of expense, no matter how much they need the help.  Family and marriage therapy programs offered by colleges and universities are usually much less expensive and thus much more affordable. 

These programs provide valuable services to people in many ways.  Not only do they conduct ongoing research on important topics, they also provide supervised student training.  The therapy or counseling services offered by these family and marriage therapy programs typically utilize graduate students who are getting a degree in clinical psychology, general counseling, clinical social work or marriage and family counseling.

The students are not yet licensed, but are providing therapy in order to gain clinical experience which is required by most, if not all, graduate programs.  They work under the supervision of a licensed counselor, therapist, psychologist or social worker.  As they work with you as a client, they discuss your progress and any concerns or questions they have with their supervisor.  This both protects you as a client and also ensures that you are getting quality therapy. 

Some family and marriage therapy programs may require that you fall within a particular household income range in order to qualify.  They also are usually only available to you if you do not have any type of health insurance which covers outpatient mental health services.  In some programs there may be no fee at all, but many do require a fee for services.  Part of the reason for this is because people are generally more committed to and invested in the counseling or therapy process if there is a cost to them.  When services are free they are often devalued by the client. 

Many family and marriage therapy programs have a facility that is separate from the college or university.  But others offer the services right there on the campus.  Confidentiality is required just as it is with any other type of mental health or medical care. 

If you are reluctant to get help through one of these family and marriage therapy programs because you don’t think a student-in-training can help you, you may be short changing yourself out of a very valuable service.  Graduate students are not only eager to learn, they are not yet burned out by the profession like some seasoned clinicians who have been doing therapy for years.  Also, many graduate students are often very aware of and informed about the most recent advances in treatment for a variety of disorders, which may be to your advantage.  So it is definitely worth making a call to see if there is a program in your area, and if you qualify.  You will never know unless you try, and if your marriage is in crisis, isn’t it better to thoroughly check out all your options rather than just discount them?  If you qualify, at least give it a chance.  You may be surprised at how much benefit you may get out of it. 

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Stop Marriage Divorce

If your marriage is in crisis and you or your spouse are thinking that a divorce is your only option, you need to realize that it doesn’t always have to be.  To stop marriage divorce it is very important that you understand that what seems impossible, hopeless, and irreconcilable today may not seem that way tomorrow.  But in order to gain some perspective and begin working towards a different solution, there are several things you can do. 

One of the first things you can do is to write down all the positive things about your marriage.  This may be particularly difficult if you are really angry, hurt, upset, or bitter towards your spouse.  But if you can take a little time and temporarily set those emotions aside, you may be surprised at how many good things you can find that will make you want to stop marriage divorce.

It is often said that what we focus on expands.  Chances are, you’ve spent so much time focusing on the negative aspects of your marriage for so long, that you have totally lost sight of all the good things.  Not to mention, if you have already filed for a divorce, it is human nature to search for everything we can to justify the decision that was made.  Recognize that tendency and determine to come up with a long list of all the things you love and appreciate about your spouse as well as your life together.  They are there.  If they weren’t, you would have never gotten married in the first place.   

After you have made that list, make a second list where you write down all the negative elements that accompany a divorce.  In addition to the financial toll it will likely take, it will also affect your children, be very stressful for you, and result in many other losses as well.  As both of these lists grow, you may very well start thinking that to stop marriage divorce is a much better plan than going through with it. 

Now that you have made those two lists, make a third list.  This time include all the ways in which you have been contributing to or creating problems in your marriage.  Sometimes people who are considering divorce tend to focus on all their spouse’s shortcomings while refusing to consider their own.  Sadly, if you never bother to consider your own relationship flaws, you are going to take them with you right into the next relationship.  It is better to stop marriage divorce now than end up in the same situation with someone new a few years from now. 

Don’t be surprised if you wake up one day and feel like you are recreating your previous relationship.  Without taking inventory and making some hard changes, you will tend to keep attracting the same type of partner and have the same types of conflicts.  Wouldn’t it make more sense to work on yourself now, in this relationship, if at all possible?  Once you make this list, determine what some of the steps are that you can take to break the problematic patterns that come from you.  Making positive changes is a great way to stop marriage divorce but it shows your spouse that you are aware of your shortcomings and are willing to work on them. 

Last of all, encourage your partner (gently, don’t pressure!) to make similar lists of his or her own.  Doing an exercise like this and discussing what you discovered can be a small step towards getting back on track.  If you truly want to stop marriage divorce, start putting some thought into these lists and then go from there.  You may be surprised at what you find in the process!



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Save Marriage Advice

For many marriages in a crisis, one of the common patterns that likely contributed to the situation is that of not being able to handle conflict effectively.  And that starts with being able to talk calmly.  When it comes to save marriage advice, following is some excellent advice on how to have difficult conversations with your spouse without damaging your relationship in the process.  Couples who get caught up in yelling, name calling, venting or verbally attacking each other inevitably wind up in divorce court.  Read further for ways to talk to each other without losing control.

Decide up front what you want to accomplish by talking.  Do you just want to allow each person to express feelings?  Do you want to come up with a solution?  It helps to have a goal before you start when it is a difficult topic. 

Avoid blame.  Learning to not get caught up in blame is sound save marriage advice regardless of the situation.  Blame accomplishes nothing and is always destructive.  Make steering clear of blame one of the rules for your conversations. 

Allow for time outs.  When you are discussing painful or difficult topics, it is inevitable that someone’s is going to feel the need to react at some point.  Rather than staying in the conversation until that happens, be willing to take a time out to cool down.  And be willing to let your spouse do the same thing when needed.  This will prevent the conversation from escalating into a full blown fight in which hurtful things end up being said.  This is also very good save marriage advice to follow when emotions run high. 

Don’t get caught up in being “right”.   In many situations, neither person is right or wrong. But if one of you insists on being right, it will quickly turn into a futile conversation. 

Allow each other to speak without interrupting.   When you interrupt someone who is talking, you are basically giving the message that what you have to say is far more important than whatever the other person is saying.  A lot of people have this bad habit when they talk.  And it is very disrespectful.  It is very good save marriage advice to work towards really allowing each other to speak and be heard.  Catch yourself when you start to interrupt.  With practice, this is a bad habit both of you can break. 

Accept that you won’t always agree on everything.  This is definitely very wise save marriage advice! No two people in the world, no matter how much they love each other, are always going to agree.  The sooner you can accept that in your marriage, the better all your conversations will be, especially the difficult ones.  Also, it will show a lot of respect to your partner if you allow him or her to have an opinion that is different to yours.  That is part of recognizing that he is a separate person with his own unique perspective. 

The last piece of good save marriage advice for having difficult conversations is to avoid all-or-nothing types of statements.  When you start using extreme words such as “never” or “always” you are just getting yourself into hot water.  Catch yourself when you use one of the words and revise the statement.  You will save both yourself and your spouse a lot of grief when you remember that there is a lot in between those two extremes.


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Help for Marriage

Quite often when couples are seeking help for marriage, it is because their marriage is starting to crumble.  It may be that one spouse has been unfaithful.  It may also be because there has been a significant amount of conflict, often turning into awful fights.  Other times it may be because you have slowly grown very distant from each other, and you know if something doesn’t change soon, the marriage is going to unravel altogether. 

Fortunately, there is help for marriage if you are both willing to make the commitment to work through the problem, no matter what it is.  This can feel impossible at times, particularly if there has been an affair or other type of betrayal.  Hurt feelings can go very deep.  And one of you may be more reluctant to try to work things out if trust has been damaged. 

Many couples do get their marriages back on track, even under pretty challenging circumstances.  Sometimes a crisis can be a much needed wake up call, making one or both of you recognize the necessity of getting help for marriage so you can heal the wounds.  Quite often, if you can get through the process of healing, you will find that you are closer than ever before. 

There are many ways you can show each other that you are truly serious and 100% devoted to making the marriage work.  Following are just a few of the ways you can do this:

Make your marriage your number one priority. 

Careers, children, volunteer work and other family are certainly all very important parts of each of your lives.  But when you have reached a crisis point and need help for marriage, you must first be willing to put your marital relationship above everything else in your life.  

All too often work and children get all your time and energy and there is simply nothing left for the marriage.  Sadly, your children will suffer as a result.  You owe it to them to have a happy, healthy marriage to make them feel secure and to give them good role models.  And, the happier your marriage, the happier home life will be for your children. 

Be open to marriage counseling if needed

Sometimes couples get stuck and simply can’t work it out without some outside help for marriage.  While marital therapy isn’t right for everyone, it is definitely worth trying.  A skilled marriage counselor can help you find ways to communicate better, break unhealthy patterns and develop new ones, and put things in a new perspective. 

If your spouse feels a strong need for the two of you to get counseling, show your commitment by being willing to give it a try.  If you are unwilling to go, that will likely convey that you aren’t truly committed to the marriage after all.  Your spouse may feel resentment, and there will be even more problems in your relationship.

Make a commitment to focus on everything you love and appreciate about each other. 

When you need help for marriage, remember the saying “what you focus on expands”.  This is very true in relationships.  If you focus on your spouse’s faults, you will end up bringing out the worst in him.  If you want to bring out the best in someone, you must frequently show appreciation for the qualities you really value. In turn, your spouse will be more inclined to show those qualities more. 

These are just three ways to show commitment to your marriage.  While there are many more ways, these three will go along way when you need help for marriage.  The more commitment each of you shows, the more motivated you will be to work together on your relationship. 

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Common Marriage Problems

For many couples, there are common marriage problems which often start to creep into the relationship over time.  If you are feeling that your marriage isn’t what it should be, or what you thought it would be when you first walked down the aisle, you are not alone.  Millions of couples grapple with relationship issues, often feeling that the problems are unique to their relationship.  This can lead to feelings of embarrassment and / or loneliness, when it doesn’t need to. 

So let’s take a look at three common marriage problems which many couples find themselves facing.  All of these can start out seeming fairly minor, but if they continue over a long time and aren’t dealt with, they can have a very negative impact on a marriage.

Feeling like you have “fallen out of love” with each other

When you were first dating your spouse, and probably even when you stood in front of your family and friends and said your vows, you felt “head over heels in love” with each other.  For most couples, that giddy feeling doesn’t last over the years.  In fact, for many, once the reality of day to day married life sinks in it starts to fade.  Your lives become one of routine, which is perfectly normal.  The demands of your work or careers, children and mortgages can take up all of your time and energy.  And if you are like some couples, you basically start living like roommates and nothing more.  While that scenario is fairly common, marriage problems like this can eventually lead to an affair or a divorce. 

Taking each other for granted

Another one of the most common marriage problems is that many couples start taking each other for granted.  To some degree, it is human nature to take for granted that which is always there.  But in relationships, this can lead to a slow, simmering resentment for one or both of you.  Everyone longs to feel loved, cherished, and appreciated.  After all, that was a big part of the reason you got married in the first place.  No one feels loved when they are taken for granted.  When it reaches the point of devaluing each other and failing to regard the relationship as sacred or special, it can be very damaging.  Sadly, what often happens is that you don’t even realize just how serious it is until the other person is gone. 

Failure to really talk to each other

Poor communication or the failure to really talk to each other is probably one of the most common marriage problems many couples face.  Learning to communicate well is a skill many people lack.  Others have the skill and may be great communicators in their career, but struggle with communicating with their spouse.  This is particularly true if one or both of you grew up in a home where poor communication was the norm.  You talk superficially but avoid discussing problems or issues as they arise.  Some people just find it easier to avoid any conflict.  Unfortunately, this doesn’t work and in time will take a toll on your relationship if something doesn’t change. 

If you and your spouse are struggling with any one of these common marriage problems, there is hope.  The first step is always acknowledging the problem.  The sooner you recognize the problem and take action though, the better!
 

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Save the Marriage

No marriage is perfect, but some certainly fair better than others.  And many marriages fluctuate between periods of things going really well and periods of struggle.  But when things get particularly bad, you may find yourself wondering what things you can do to save the marriage.  While in some cases it may take drastic measures, there are often some less extreme changes you can make which will have much more positive impact than you might think. 

If your marriage is currently going through a difficult time, read on for two seemingly small adjustments you and your spouse can make to save the marriage.  Often it’s the little things that can really make a difference over time.

Get out of the routine rut
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It is very easy to get stuck in a mundane routine which begins to make your marriage feel lifeless and dull.  It happens in countless marriages because to a large degree, we, as humans, like to stay in our comfort zone.  And routines are “comfortable”.  That being said, routines do serve some purpose in terms of keeping life ordered rather than chaotic.  So there must be a balance.

If you are at a point where you need to save the marriage, it may be time to spice things up a bit and change your routine.  Decide to break your normal routine for a few weeks.  Perhaps you can agree to be more spontaneous when it comes to intimacy.  Rather than do the same activity week after week (like dinner at your parents every Thursday night) reserve that block of time and choose a different activity every week.  It will help you pull out of the stagnant pattern you have fallen into.

Don’t forget the romance!

Often when two people feel they need to save the marriage, the romance has fizzled or disappeared altogether.  When you were first dating, and perhaps even early on in your marriage, there was probably a lot of romance.  Flowers, love notes, candlelight dinners, etc. were an important part of your relationship. 

Romance is fun, exciting, and is a way to show your spouse how special he or she is to you.  Romance is also part of what separates your relationship with each other from all your other relationships in life. 

Too many couples quickly neglect this part of their relationship, especially when careers, children and household chores take up all of their time and energy.  The romantic gestures and times together dwindle or cease altogether.  Except for occasional sex, they begin practically living like roommates. 

If your marriage is struggling and you are not sure what to do to save the marriage, one of the things which can help is to start “dating” again and bring romance back into the picture.  While it may seem silly or superficial, those special loving gestures can help you begin to reconnect.  You know what things make your spouse feel special.  And that is really what romance is all about. 

If you truly want to save the marriage, work towards bringing some spontaneity and romance back into your relationship.  Not only will it make you both feel more energized and alive, it will add some much needed fun.  But most of all, those romantic gestures will help reignite the passion that was once there as you strive to show your spouse, in little ways, just how much he or she means to you.   


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